My first initial loss as a child

 Well here is my first blog. I want to use this to express what I've gone through over my short 30 years. A little back story about me:

My name is Devi and I live in ND. I was born in India and adopted when I was 2 years old. I grew up in Minnesota. I have a mom, dad, step-dad, and three brothers. I am the only one adopted in my family. My parents decided to adopt because my mom could no longer have children of her own after having the boys. She had always wanted a daughter. Fast forward to the present. I work as an IT director for a public school district and love my job. I am blessed to have a husband, step-daughter, step-son, 2 nephews, and 1 niece. 

My first loss in my life were my birth parents. Now I didn't know them or anything so it doesn't really hit me hard. My birth mother passed after giving birth to me, due to complications. No one had a record of my birth father but assume he's passed. As far as I know, I am an only child. I have been beyond blessed to get out of India and be a citizen of the USA and be with a wonderful family. But, now as I am older I have more feelings of curiosity and "what ifs". 

Most of the time people ask me do you remember being over there? Your trip over to the States? Uh no. And sometimes I am okay with that. I feel I don't know if I would want to remember things from the orphanage. Not that we weren't taking care of really (or I guess the best we could have been). When I see pics of me at the orphanage I always wonder, how did we get there? 

Did my mom purposely go in there knowing she was in labor? Did she know she had to because she was sick and knew this was the safest place to bring me? How old was she? Why did she die after my birth? What happened in the process? Since I know health care or cleanliness wasn't a priority over there, I wonder if that was part of if my mom got sick and passed or why she couldn't have been saved. Did she actually want me before knowing she was going to die? What about my father? Was she actually with someone? Or was she too young and got pregnant by some douchebag? Was it forced and non-consensual? Am I actually an only child? What was my mother's name?  

What about my family history? What about my medical history? What else should I be concerned about? Do I try and spend the money on this ancestry.com thing or DNA test kits? Is it worth it? Would it benefit me to know or should I say forget it and ignore it? 

I can't say that I was "abandoned" per se. But at times, it feels like it. Not knowing my mom's age, status or health is what is hard. If she was healthy, would we have made it in life? Or if I wasn't adopted, would I have been dead anyway? Would I be forced into marriage? 

Does my birth mom remember me? Know who I am today and care? Is she up in Heaven watching me? Did she name me? Or was I named by the orphanage? My mom said that she kept my name, so was it just "Dev-ee" or was it originally as I've heard "day-vee"? Was it longer or just short like it is?

Sometimes not truly knowing my origin and how things came to be is one of my biggest losses that I haven't come to terms with yet. I mean, I'm me. I know me, but how did I become me? What traits do I have like parents? Were they hilarious like me? (joking, kind of) Did they have a big heart like me? Or am I me because of everything I grew up around and took on those traits from my adopted family?